Insecurity plagues me sometimes, particularly when I wonder what people think of me. Do they really like me? Or are they just being nice? Do they really think I’m a good writer, or are they just trying to encourage me? Does he think I’m attractive or fat? The list goes on and on, especially on days that I’m down. I often people watch while sitting in coffee shops and ponder what people think of me, both the people that pass me by and the people that really know me.
So, if given the chance to read minds for a day, I would seriously contemplate the pros and cons of doing so. I could discover what people really think of me, both those who think well of me and those who don’t. Would the confirmation of my friends’ love really be worth any potential bad feeling I stumbled upon? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Though I do already know people who genuinely don’t care for me, so perhaps finding out that more people could feel that way wouldn’t hurt as much as the betrayal I felt when I discovered that some people close to me genuinely don’t care for me. Ok, let’s be real. It would still hurt to find out that anyone doesn’t like me, and I have no reason to distrust what my close friends say to me. So perhaps reading minds for a day to discover what people think of me would end badly.
I could use the power for good though. I could learn what my friends really like and surprise them with gifts or excursions or whatnot. I could learn what they are intimidated by or afraid of and encourage them. Somehow, I don’t think this justifies reading minds for a day. I could just ask them these things and be open about my own likes and fears. Then we would all know.
So I suppose that I would not read minds for a day if given the choice. The risks outweigh any potential benefits. This is one time that I would rather not be sorry than safe.
According to the wisdom of the ages, it is “better to be safe than sorry”. I grew up hearing this old adage, and in general, I do think it is better to be safe that sorry, at least in most circumstances. Why cause problems or pain if it can be avoided? No one like to be hurt or frustrated.
However, I think there are times that it could be better to be sorry than safe. Well, only if the sorry means taking a risk that could end in sorry rather than safe. One such example is love. I have found that it is much, much better to be potentially sorry than safe when it comes to love and commitment. If I wasn’t willing to be hurt and sorry, then my relationship and friendships could never be deep and vulnerable and real. I wouldn’t stick around when the relationships were difficult and then I would be all alone. Being willing to be sorry (though it is quite hard and risky) has led me to be open and real with my friends and husband, which has led to deeper, meaningful relationships (and some heartache from failed relationships and friendships). I know that my close friends and husband will stand by me regardless of what happens in life. If you aren’t willing to risk it all (by which I mean every aspect of life or at least being hurt) for love, when are you willing to risk it all?
Embarking on adventures, particularly of the global variety, is another example of a time that it may be better to be sorry than safe. Being safe means being comfortable and not being willing to risk trying new things. I would much rather have adventures than do the same thing with my life every single day. I want to travel the world, though so far my traveling outside of the U.S. has been limited to countries whose names begin with ‘C’ and end in ‘a’ (Canada and China). I want to try food from around the world. On my adventures, I have discovered so many new foods that I love, and some that I just don’t like and find rather repulsive. Anyway, living an adventurous life doesn’t lead to many “what if?”s other than “what if I had stayed home?”.
My grad sch0ol applications are finally completed and sent in! After months of painstakingly choosing schools, asking professors for recommendation letters, filling out the applications, and writing statements of purpose and other various essays, my grad school apps are finished! It was such a relief to send the last one in and be done with that process… until the next morning when the waiting began.
Since I had been so focused on my studies and my applications, I hadn’t really given much thought to where I am going when I graduate or what I wanted to do. Some thought, but not too much. So with my mind now free from last semester’s insane schedule and my applications, I now have plenty of time to ponder and try to plan for life post-graduation. However… it is really a waiting game. I have to wait to hear back from grad schools. I have to wait to apply for jobs. I have to wait to try to find an apartment. All this waiting; I think I might go crazy. I do not like to wait. I like to know so that I can plan. Instead, I find myself waiting and having to trust God that He will actually take care of me like He promised He would. He tells me not to worry.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, not about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the over, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? There do not be anxious, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:25-34
God will take care of me. He will provide for me because He loves me. And He will show me what to do and where to go when it is time to know and prepare. Today, I just need to focus on Him and live life. Today has its own troubles to deal with – no need to focus on hypothetical future problems. So I will continue to wait and know that God’s plan for my life will be all that He has promised.
Let me repeat that. I am going to Washington, D.C.
Why the big deal? I am going to How It Ends lobby days for Invisible Children. I am going to be a political activist.
UmmmWOW. At least for me. My good friends John and Andrew (and I, of course) decided to go to How It Ends on Sunday night. So we signed up. Now we are going. It is huge for all of us. For the first time, we are putting our ideas into action. We are doing something about what we say we care about and are passionate about. It is scary. I have never made a habit of acting on my dreams and passions. I have never really pursued anything to the point of action.
What am I doing today to pursue my dreams and passions? What steps am I taking? These questions have really challenged me recently. I have really actually begun to realize how scary it can be to pursue dreams. What if I fail? What if I can’t do what I want to do? What I try to do? What if I am supposed to pursue something else? What if this? What if that? What if anything else? What if???
As scary as pursuing my dreams and passions can be, it is worth facing my fears and doubts. Why? Because when I don’t, I feel very apathetic and worthless. Because when I do, I am fully alive and passionate. I am no longer just sitting around waiting for life to come find me. Waiting for graduation when I will face the “real world”. I am no longer passive. I am no longer complacent. I am alive. I am putting my thoughts and dreams into action. I am showing that I care. I can change the world. Because as my favourite quote states, “be the change you wish to see in the world.” (Ghandi). If everyone waits for someone else to start, nothing will ever change.
So that is my challenge to you. What are you doing now to pursue your dreams and passions?
My thoughts are eluding me this afternoon. I’m not quite sure how that is possible, but it is. Somehow, they are escaping my mind without me having the chance to ponder them. This is highly unfortunate, because all that I can remember from my thoughts is that I had some that I deemed worthy of further consideration.
I’m feeling rather restless today; I’m not sure why. I’ve been challenged recently to reconsider my perspectives on life. So I am. I’ve been thinking a lot. Wondering about different situations. Attempting to not overanalyze or read into anyhing. There is a difference between noticing something and wondering about it and overanalyzing something. Instead of coming to any solid, concrete conclusions or realizations about my life, I have been contemplating and asking many, many questions. And it seems as if the more questions I ask, the more questions I encounter. Without very many answers. Some situations in my life are very up in the air. I can do whatever I want to do. But what is that? The thought of change appeals to me, but when it comes to actually changing. . . I’m more hesitant. I like security and comfort. The unknown, while intriguing, kinda freaks me out. Most likely because I am a control freak. I like to know exactly what is going on, what to expect, etc. But that doesn’t involve having to trust. Letting go of control and trusting God is perhaps the scariest thing I will ever have to face. I know He will take care of me though. He has a particular plan for me. For my life. I will make an impact. Touch the lives of many people. Show them love. But how? The answers seem to elude me. . . or is it the right questions that are eluding me?
If you let your feelings go, dear
It’s scary what you’ll find
I find I’m on your street, dear
And you’re always on my mind
And no one needs to know
That you let me in tonight
That you let me see the world behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
I want to see us work, dear
To reach the other side
Our treachery is love, dear
We’re on both ends of the fight
We’re fighting for ourselves
We’re fighting for our lives
Would you let me see the world behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
And no one needs to know
How scared we are tonight
Would you let me see the world
Won’t you let me see the world behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
The lyrics to this song really struck me while I was attempting to study this afternoon. I have a friend who is hurt, bothered, frustrated, and annoyed that I don’t open up. Honestly, it hurts me that I struggle to open up to my friends too. I think my friend would agree that this song voices his desire. He cares about me more than I am able to realize and admit sometimes. And that realization kills me because I long to trust him. I care about him too. I know he is my friend; he will be there for me. Regardless.
I’m so confused right now. And I’m afraid to feel, so I’m fighting to not suppress every feeling I have right now. I don’t know how to react to life. How to deal with certain situations. What to do. What to even think. And I’m afraid to turn to most of my close friends. That is not surprising because there are few people that I even come remotely close to trusting. It is also no surprise that I feel somewhat alone, although not isolated.
And that is only pertaining to life here in BG. Aka, excluding family issues right now. Oh, and did I mention that it is finals week? The stress of this finals week is equivalent to the stress of the previous 5 finals weeks combined. Eek. 24 more hours then I’m done. . . now to take the 2 tests and write the 10-12 page paper before then. . .