What do I want to do?

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What do I want to do?  That is a question I ask myself often.  You see, I graduated with a B.A. in English in May 2010.  Did I get a job in my field?  Yes, but only for a brief time as an English as a Second Language Teacher in China.  Then I moved to Portland and began working as a barista.  So despite the fact that I have a bachelors, I make minimum wage in a physically demanding job that involves people yelling at me and being rude.

However, I know that is where I am supposed to be, simply because I am there.  If God wanted me to be somewhere else, I would be.  For a long while I disliked and kind of resented my job.  I felt like I had regressed; most of my coworkers are still pursuing degrees and/or interests and are years younger than I am.  So what was I doing there?

I was learning humility.  I was learning to be content.  I was learning to be real and deal with my own issues and personal limitations.  I was learning how to approach those in authority and ask for help.  When I finally asked God to show me all that I had to learn while I work as a barista, He showed me.  Now I am content to be where I am, learning what I can.  Who knows how valuable this experience could be later in life?

However, I do know that I don’t want to be a barista forever.  I want to be a writer.  So I must write.  I am contemplating the idea of going back to grad school for communication with an emphasis on writing to help me in this area.  We shall see what happens with that, since the programs I love are too far away at the moment.  I also want to be a godly, loving wife and eventually a mother.  And I definitely want to live abroad again, preferably in several different countries (obviously not at the same time!).  Most of all, I want to be live a vibrant, engaging life.  I don’t want to be withdrawn and apathetic.  I want to be alive and thrive.  With God’s help, I will do just that!

Writing

I haven’t been particularly faithful to writing recently.  Part of it has to do with not having internet access at home.  Part of it has to do with laziness and insecurity – sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m a writer at all, let alone a good writer.  And part of it has to do with writer’s block.  I simply don’t know what to say.

Or do I?

Over dinner, John, a friend, and I discussed writer’s block… yes, we are all nerds.  My friend made an interesting point… if we are discussing something we are interested in, we never ever have talker’s block.  So why do we have writer’s block?  Why not just write the thoughts we have?

Honestly, I don’t just write my thoughts because I want to be a perfect writer.  I’m such a perfectionist that I inhibit myself.  I really should try to get over that.  And this blog will be the space in which I try to do so.  Hence this post actually.

So while I’m still not committing to writing daily, I will try to write more frequently.  I do have a few good rants/thoughts/subjects that I’m contemplating on life, work, and people.  That pretty much encompasses just about everything now, doesn’t it?  I’ll leave you to speculate for now…