Last night, I drove through the city of Detroit on my way home to Bowling Green. As I crested a hill on I-75, I got the most amazing view of city lights. Detroit is by no means a large city or a fabulous city, but that hill offers a spectacular view at night. After miles of driving in darkness with only the occasional store front lit, the lights of Detroit sparkle against the pitch black sky illuminating the horizon. Every time I drive past the dazzling array, I am invigorated and reminded of my love of cities. I love cities – the lights, the hustle and bustle, the variety, the people, the experiences. I cannot wait until I can move to a city and experience city life on a daily basis. It will be so exciting! Until then… I will have to settle for driving past the lights as I drive back to small town Bowling Green, which I have learned to appreciate and enjoy in the past four years. It has been a delightful in between cities town for me. But I will return to a city. Someday, somewhere. Of that, I am sure.
My grad sch0ol applications are finally completed and sent in! After months of painstakingly choosing schools, asking professors for recommendation letters, filling out the applications, and writing statements of purpose and other various essays, my grad school apps are finished! It was such a relief to send the last one in and be done with that process… until the next morning when the waiting began.
Since I had been so focused on my studies and my applications, I hadn’t really given much thought to where I am going when I graduate or what I wanted to do. Some thought, but not too much. So with my mind now free from last semester’s insane schedule and my applications, I now have plenty of time to ponder and try to plan for life post-graduation. However… it is really a waiting game. I have to wait to hear back from grad schools. I have to wait to apply for jobs. I have to wait to try to find an apartment. All this waiting; I think I might go crazy. I do not like to wait. I like to know so that I can plan. Instead, I find myself waiting and having to trust God that He will actually take care of me like He promised He would. He tells me not to worry.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, not about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the over, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? There do not be anxious, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:25-34
God will take care of me. He will provide for me because He loves me. And He will show me what to do and where to go when it is time to know and prepare. Today, I just need to focus on Him and live life. Today has its own troubles to deal with – no need to focus on hypothetical future problems. So I will continue to wait and know that God’s plan for my life will be all that He has promised.
As I sat in one of my favorite coffee shops yesterday, I realized that I felt apathetic about life. I desperately wanted to feel, even if that meant feeling sad or angry. While I was journaling about this lack of emotion that I felt, my friend walked into Grounds, came over, and invited me to her table with two of her other friends. I joined, and we all started talking. We connected about random, sometimes ridiculous things. And all of a sudden, I realized that I was feeling again. I was feeling alive again. Why? Because I was connecting.
I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking, pondering, and considering what I want to do when I graduate. I am single and free to go anywhere and do anything. I want to pursue my dreams and passions, which I believe that God has laid upon my heart. I’ve dreamed about many different things. Moving to Seattle. Moving to England. Moving to Boston. Moving to Spain. The last place I want to move is back home with my parents. And until quite recently, the second to last place I wanted to be is Bowling Green, Ohio. I moved to Bowling Green for school in August 2006. And it has been a great place for me to grow and really become myself. However, I have never dreamed about staying in BG. I didn’t even want to come here for school. But as I have been really delving into my soul to realize my dreams, I have come to realize what I want to do with my life.
I want to connect with people. Through writing. Through social justice organizations. Through teaching. Through being friends. Through investing in each other’s lives. That is what I want to do. Connecting with people makes me come alive. It makes me feel. Yes, I have been hurt, and I will be hurt by people. But being hurt is no longer enough of a reason for me to run away from people. I would rather feel and connect with them than run away and withdraw. So that is what I am going to do… now to just figure out how… and that might mean that I stay in Bowling Green and continue to connect with people. Who knows?