When I walked into Fusion today, Bernadette greeted me with a story. She is taking ENG 201 – Intro to Literature with Stacey Osborne. I also had Stacey for ENG 201 last spring. Bernadette proceeded to tell me about a conversation she had with Stacey when she went to visit Stacey during her office hours. Somehow Bernadette mentioned that she knew me and that I had taken Stacey’s class. Stacey remembered me; actually, I see her every Monday and Wednesday because she teaches in one of my classrooms immediately preceding my class. Stacey then went on to tell Bernadette how beautiful I am, even though I don’t know it. Bernadette didn’t remember all of the conversation, but even just hearing that much of it was really encouraging. I am beautiful. And there are people in the world who see me for who I am and love me and want me to succeed. That is delightful to remember.
I finally wrote the essay for my application to study abroad in England! I have been procrastinating on writing these essay for various reasons, including fear and insecurity. But I asked God to give me His peace if He wanted me to apply. I also asked Him to give me the words to say. And last night, the words flowed from my mind. I am going to go turn in my application right now! I’m excited! And peaceful!
I am hurt and consequently angry. In the past few days, I feel as if John has all but ignored me. We haven’t spent time together. He was supposed to text yesterday, but he never did. He was supposed to text me again tonight; he hasn’t. Do I not mean anything to him? Does our friendship not matter? Am I just another annoying, needy girl in his life that uses him? Isn’t he refreshed and encouraged by my company? Doesn’t he feel loved by me? I want him to want me. You said that he does. That he will. But he isn’t. And it hurts. I feel betrayed.
When there’s nowhere else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you’ve hit rock bottom
Don’t give up it’s not the end
Open up your heart again
When you feel like no one understands
Where you are
Someone loves you
Even when you don’t think so
Don’t you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus
After all that we’ve been through
By now, you know I’ve doubted too
But every time my head was in my hands
You said to me
Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost
So make the most of life that’s borrowed
Love like there’s no tomorrow
I so just want someone to tell me this. To be there for me. I want to know that someone is there for me. It is one of the greatest desires of my heart right now. I know I have friends who are there for me, yet no one reminds me of this. I want to hear someone say it. “Rachel, I am here for you. I care about you. I love you.” And specifically, I want John to say that. Yeah.
it isn’t what it used to be. This line is a lyric from one of my favorite songs. I think that it characterizes my life because my life is constantly changing. Or maybe just my perspective of my life is undergoing constant revision. Regardless, nothing remains the same. Ever. Sometimes this is a result of a realization. Sometimes it is a result of my life literally changing. Today was a change through realization. I realized some underlying fears this morning. Some insecurities. And a worldview of doubt. I am afraid to pursue my dreams. To be who I am. To what God is telling me to do. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I end up alone? What if I get hurt? What if I lose my friends? What if? What if. . . ?
The hypothetical is crowding my mind, suppressing the delight and joy I normally have about my passions and calling. These fears and insecurities cripple and hinder me, both in what I actually do and in my relationship with God. I have ceased to trust that God is in control. I don’t really believe that He will take care of me. I am attempting to control my life, even if that means causing myself pain. Why? Because I know how to deal with pain. I fight against accepting the gifts and blessings of God. And now that I have realized this, I can and will fight to accept. To trust. To surrender myself, especially my logical side. God is speaking to me; will I listen? Will I believe?
She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she’s making
Might be taking her to who she’ll be
And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I’m supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here
She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
She can’t feel the things she knows
And so each step she’s taking is a step of faith toward who she’ll be…
And here where the night is dark
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can’t see the dawn is coming
Skies will clear
And the light will find her where she’s always been…
The past few days I have felt really disconnected from my life, especially from the things that I love most. I haven’t felt like journaling. Or reading. Or writing. It is an emotional disconnect, stemming from both exhaustion and fear. Today I am refreshed and ready to face my fears. And connect with life again. Enjoy my passions. I journaled and admitted my fears and desires to God. I began to think about my 5-7 page paper for my San Fransisco Renaissance Poets class that is due Friday and found myself immersed in thoughts of modernism, post-modernism, spontenaity, objectivity, and mind-body holism. Yes, I am a nerd. 😉 After dinner, I am meeting a friend to discuss some of the poetry of Gary Snyder, followed by a quiet evening of reading (and possibly more writing). While I do hope to chill with one of my closest friends at some point this evening, I will be completely content to discuss poetry over a cup of coffee and read. Recently, I have rediscovered a great deal of enjoyment in reading and writing, as well as in being alone in a crowd. Quiet evenings at Grounds, stolen afternoons in the library, etc. And of course, the always reassuring company of one of my closest friends. Whether we converse or sit in silence or play a game or drink coffee, I enjoy spending time with him. With that, I digress. I have been disconnected from my life. But no longer. The time is now. Carpe diem!
I feel as if my heart just got stabbed with a knife of ice. John and I were talking on facebook; he brought up Keri. As he was talking about her, he mentioned that he and Keri were soulmates. I immediately felt hurt and betrayed – not by John, but by God. God told me that John and I are soulmates. I do think that you can have more than one soulmate, but Keri? Will John ever realize that we are soulmates? Or is this something I am making up because I can’t let go of John?
He wrote a poem. Reading it brought tears to my eyes. My heart breaks for him right now. The poem is incredibly intense and powerful.
his joyless eyes now looked on the world with violent fervor
a chill so cold that those who once called him ‘friend’ now turned away
he walked the earth with a deceptive, easy step
and hid the agony that lay within
he wrote poems, but they were as hollow as his chest
and brought him no joy
at night he lay awake, the spectre of his emptiness driving him on
and during the day he slept as a slave to merciless expectations
he gave until he had no more, then gave until he hoped to leave behind his earthly coil
they sucked him dry and screamed for more, insatiable! the leeches that he once called ‘friends’
the world around him lay dark and grey, he knew no rest
he died and died again each day, and not one heart wept for his shattered soul
nor walked with him in silent pain
so his burning gaze lay beneath a faulted joy that no one could detect.