Today is a good day. It just is. I’m happy and excited about life. I think I’m happy because I have really been seeking God recently; I’ve simply been taking everything to Him and just being open to listening to what He has to say. And I have friends who are not afraid to speak truth about my life. I also have several developing friendships that I am beyond excited about. Yeah. It is cool to be able to reach out and touch someone else’s life, encourage them, and brighten their day.
Mal came up to BG today. I love her dearly. Ella es mi amiga. Wherever life takes the two of us, we will always be friends and be there for each other. She leaves for Spain on January 8th. While I’m excited for her and the opportunity, I’m sad to be without her in my life daily. She is one of my closest friends. We can be serious and vulnerable about our lives, but we can also be random and ridiculous. She is the friend that I take random road trips with without having directions. She is the friend who was with me when I almost sliced part of my finger off, and I was bleeding profusely. We sing together; we laugh together; we cry together. She challenges me to grow in my relationship with God. She is an amazing woman; I am honored to know her. God has an awesome plan for her life. I’m more than slightly ecstatic about it.
John. Emily. Dustin. Mal. Andrew. Peter.
Six friends that I trust. They have all proven themselves to be there for me. Sadly, I don’t trust anyone until they have proven themselves to be trustworthy. Anyway, I am quite blessed to have six friends to trust. While I have differing levels of closeness with all of them, I know that they all care very deeply for me. They are there for me, even when life gets rough. They are willing to put up with me when I’m not at my best. And they are willing to be honest and speak truth into my life. We have fun together. Enjoy life together. Live life together. The good and the bad. I’m there for them too. I love each of them very dearly. I would do just about anything for each of them. Ellos son mis amigos.
I enjoy questions. Immensely. Like really, I delight in questions. Not because of answers though. I enjoy questions because they provoke thought. My adoration of questions is directly related to my love of thinking. I love to think. I like to be challenged to understand different perspectives. I want to understand the worldview and values of others. So I think. And I question. I question everything. When I ask a question, it isn’t necessarily for the answer. It is for the sake of the thought process that ensues. I like to explore every aspect of any concept that I believe in. Because when I do, I know why I believe what I believe. I can own it. I have explored all other options and chosen what I hold to. Questions are a catalyst for thought. And so, I value them. Do you?
I talked with a friend last night. I enjoyed it immensely. Our conversation was very refreshing and relaxing. I have an amazing friend who really cares. I can be completely real with him; I can be myself. And be vulnerable. Not only does this friend put up with ridiculousness and pestering from me, he isn’t afraid to speak truth into my life. He has an incredible, somewhat terrifying gift. I’ve only gotten a glimpse of his gift and the way he will impact the world, but it is beyond incredible. I lack the proper adjective to describe it. I wish I were not so limited by language right now. I simply can not describe my thoughts and perceptions. It is amazing to watch him turn to God and grow. God has a ridiculously awesome and thoroughly spectacular plan for his life. Honestly, I’m as excited for his future as I am for mine.
Speaking of which, I allowed myself to dream today. To really just dream about my life. Where I could go. What I could do. What I am passionate about. What I love. What I am called to do. God has a truly awesome plan for my life. I do not fully grasp how He wants to use me to impact the world; but He does. However, all too often, I am limited. By myself. By my fear. By my insecurity. I like to attempt to control my life, but I only end up sabotaging my own plans. I thank God that His plans and thoughts are not my plans and thoughts. He speaks to me and tells me what I should do, then proceeds to ask me if I am willing to actually trust Him and do it. Not gonna lie, it is often very difficult requiring faith that I sometimes am unaware that I had. It is so difficult because it demands that I be vulnerable. That I share my life and my heart with people. That I pour myself out to them and into their lives, giving them the ability and potential to hurt me. It is scary. Actually a better word is terrifying. Yet, when I have been vulnerable, it has been oh so rewarding. Recently I have seen how my vulnerability can affect and impact people. God uses it to encourage people. Having seen that, there is no way that I can continue to allow myself to be so self-absorbed that I deny people the encouragement. After all, my life really isn’t about me. It is about what God can and will do through me. The only way that anyone else can see that is if I am vulnerable enough to show them. So I will fight to be vulnerable. Yes, I’ll inevitably get hurt. It is ok. I have a Daddy who will wrap His arms around me and comfort me with a peace that surpasses understanding. He will carry me and be my strength when I am too weary or weak to continue. There is a fierce beauty in my brokenness because it allows God to show through me. My dream for my life is that the world can see God and His love in and through me. It is that simple.
I love Latin – most likely because I grew up learning it. While it is a dead language, it is also the foundation for all romance languages. Knowing Latin has made learning Spanish so much easier. And I’m hoping that it will make learning French relatively painless as well.
Esse quam videri. To be is better than to appear. A friend shared this saying with me today. And I must say that I agree with it. Appearances don’t really mean much in the end. All that matters is who you are. How you touch the world. The love you share. Being matters infinitely more than appearing.
I could expound on this thought, but honestly, I’m tired. So I’ll let my words be few. I’ll leave you with this thought. . . if being matters, who are you? What does it mean to be you?
Writing helps me process and clear my mind. I’ve journaled on and off since I was about twelve. A little over a year ago, I began journaling on a daily basis. It helps. You see, a little over a year ago, I suffered a permanent hand injury. It ended my career as a pianist. Suddenly. Just like that it was over. I couldn’t play like I used to. At first, the doctors told me that it wasn’t permanent; however, my hand and wrist responded negatively to treatment. The injury only worsened. Finally, the doctor said that there was no injury, and he was mystified as to why I was in pain. Well, I’m still in pain over a year later. It’s permanent. And yet, it’s nothing at the same time. Regardless, I am no longer a piano performance major. More imporantly, I can no longer express my thoughts and emotions through playing and music like I used to. Journaling was and continues to be my attempt to express myself.
Journaling rekindled my love of writing. I love to write. I am the nerd who enjoys writing papers, at least for the most part. Writing is the most effective way that I can communicate. I can sort my thoughts. Choose my words. Explain myself thoroughly. If you know me well, you have probably experienced the sometimes extreme frustration that I experience when trying to explain a concept, or even a story, verbally. I’m not frustrated with anyone other than myself and my lack of effective communication. Writing solves that problem. Words flow so easily from my pen. Or through my fingers as I type. I don’t necessarily understand why I can write so much more easily than I can speak. After all, I have to speak the same words that I would write. But I can write. Sometimes I can even write eloquently. I think it is a gift. Something that God wants to use. And something that I want to develop. Since I began to journal, my writing has definitely improved. And I have become more confident as a writer. It is all quite good. And the best part? I enjoy it. Writing relaxes me. It can be a release. Writing calms me down.
My friends should appreciate my love of writing. It spares them from having to listen to me ramble on and on about whatever thought I am pondering for the day – whatever concept I am finding intriguing. Very few of my friends actually enjoy such conversations. I value the friends who do. I also love writing about any thoughts I deem pertinent. Or at least thought out well enough to be beneficial to anyone outside of my head.
I’ve come to the conclusion today that I need to read even more than I already do. (I’m an English major; I read quite a lot.) I think that continuing to read will also improve my writing. Being exposed to writers of different styles and time periods will help me be able to write for different audiences. I think it should help me continue to develop my voice, which excites me. I’m extremely excited about my writing. It will definitely be a part of my future – part of God’s plan for my life. I just don’t know the exact form yet. . .but I’m eager to explore. The beauty of life is in the journey. . . so why rush to try to figure it all out now?
what would happen? How would life change? Would life change? Does it even matter? What would he think? How would he react? Do we have the same dreams? Or even the same feelings?
One day, this will all make sense. Right now, I just can’t see the forest through the trees.